Rekindle That Old Flame?

Firstly, I feel terrible about not posting recently. I'm sooooooorrrrryyyy. I will try my hardest to publish at least one story a day - I know I have the time...it's just if I want to do it. And I sincerely will try...because you know I have some stories to tell you!


But for now...I'll tell you about...my 'flame'. 

*****

Might have been through all these stages....
not marriage though

Oh Beta, Beta, Beta! If you've read my earlier posts about sex and relationships...well it's the same Beta. Still in my life and he's actually very present in it at the moment. For those of you who don't know it....Beta and I have quite an interesting relationship - well, I guess you would say a little messed up... WELL, basically all you need to know is that we dated, he took my virginity, we split, we got back together, we split blah blah blah same thing over and over again. I moved out of the country...we still talked (it would be dirty every now and then), we revealed our feelings - yup, the "L" word - he took it back, shut out and left me. And poof, back he was and then he left again ((I actually did block him from facebook shhh!)) and well now we're here....in the present...

I guess it's easier to talk to somebody when you're in the same country...in the same time zone... and have each other's phone numbers...ok ok ok basically Beta and I are talking again. Not talking talking...well I guess flirty talking. Our typical conversation begins normally, "What's Up" "How's Life" "Anything New" and then come the jokes and laughs. And then the touching, "I miss you" and then the reminiscing of memories....which could end up as a dirty conversation (I've avoided it for now...but oh lord, I might cave in soon!)

I don't know what kind of person you are when you get involved with a guy. But I've pretty much figured out how I act... I pretty much panic and get creeped out. I get scared when there's so much attention from a guy that I can't decide whether I like him or  if I just like being the focus of some guy's affection. In this case, a little scared that I also might get hurt again. So, I do the typical thing - make a pro and con list...sort of.

Con's: His way of ending things consisted of not talking to me, totally afraid of commitment, always sexual...ALWAYS, do we ever have real conversations??, why do we always end of sexting?, Do we just have sex and make out (that could be my fault at times!), Is this what a real relationship is suppose to be like??

Pro's: He's missed me since the last moment he saw me, he can't stop thinking about me (or so he says), he's always there when I need someone to talk to, he makes me smile and laugh, duh he took my virginity my sexual life is totally bound to him blah, hmmm sex, very sweet and cute, Is this what a real relationship is suppose to be like??

*****

I don't know what to think. I mean obviously nothing is going to happen between us - we're in two different places - but it is bad that we keep talking in this flirty, almost sexual manner? I do care about him - for real - and had I actually gone to his school I probably would be with him (and he said the same thing too). Am I eternally bound to him because of the virginity thing? Am I just really horny and want a guy's attention (it's been a while guys)? Or am I...gulp...in love with him?

So much to think about...oh cock balls. I'mma sleep on it...oh I wish it were that simple.
Love,
ALPHA