it's funny cause it's true.
(something to do for a loved one?)
Love,
ALPHA
Showing posts with label Somebody to Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Somebody to Love. Show all posts
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
I'll Love You Forever.
I remember my mother reading this book to me as a child!
(I can't wait to read it to my own)
But like that wont be soon. Maybe like 10 years from now...
Love,
ALPHA
Monday, February 25, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Memory Jar
Quick! Start this before it's already too late in the year/already forget some of the funny things that have happened in the year!
Why do it?
Isn't it obvious? It's to preserve the found memories you had with your loved ones! So at the end of 2013, on New Year's Eve you can open the jar and laugh and remember all the good and funny things that happened throughout the year.
It's also a great way to get everyone together and a good way to leave one year and jump into the next.
Love,
ALPHA
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
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Saturday, January 12, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Happy New Year!
1. I know that it has been 2013 for at least seven days now....but Happy New Year anyways! 明けましておめでとう！ことしもよろしくおねがいします！
2. I realize that the last post on the blog was in November -- MY BAD. Sorry for the nonexistence but you know how it is with college life! November is Thanksgiving break and then dive into the end of the semester and finals and everything of that kind and then you go onto winter break where all you want to do is relax. So this leads me to number 3...
3. Resolutions! I have a couple this year and one is to be more diligent with this blog - I will try my hardest to post more and actually write the posts personally (unless there really is a good article that needs to be shared).
4. Update on Alpha life.
Well, its the New Year! Very glad I could open 2013 with Alpha but I'm sure the other Alphas also had a blast welcoming the New Year. Everyone is still at there own places and doing very well (you could even say thriving!). I can't believe that we're almost all at the halfway point in our college lives! That's totally insane if you ask me. Just imagining the next five years always freaks me out so I only try to think one day at a time! Well....I guess this wasn't really an update but just letting you know that Alpha does still exist - just not really on the blogsphere. Sorry! we'll definitely try to do better :)LOVE,
ALPHA
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Verbal Flirting - Parting
Parting
Your approach to leave-taking after a flirtatious conversation is of critical importance, as it will determine your future relationship with your companion.
Many flirtatious encounters are of naturally short duration – where it is understood that there are no serious intentions, merely an ego-boosting acknowledgement of mutual attraction. These light-hearted 'brief encounters' are part of normal social interaction, and only the pathetic or desperate would imagine that every passing exchange of flirtatious banter is a prelude to matrimony.
Dating manuals and articles in glossy women's magazines also constantly insist that it is perfectly acceptable nowadays for women to take the initiative in asking men out. In fact, they never fail to exclaim, men love it when women take the initiative. This is quite true, and if you read the more scientific research on the subject, you will find out why. The studies and experiments show that men perceive women who take the initiative in asking a man out as more sexually available. To put it more bluntly, if a woman asks them out, they think they have a better chance of 'scoring'. Naturally, they are delighted.
If you are female, and wish to avoid giving this impression, there is a simple solution. Instead of asking for his phone number, offer your own. Say something like: "Maybe we could have a drink sometime? – here's my number". This makes it perfectly clear that you are interested, but still requires the man to take the initiative in asking for a date.
You are of course free to dismiss this suggestion as hopelessly old-fashioned, sexist, pandering to double-standards, etc. It is not the place of this Guide to make moral judgements about flirting, merely to provide information on the latest scientific findings. Flirting has been part of human behaviour for thousands of years, and whether we approve or not, the latest findings show that not much has changed. Males have always tended towards an over-optimistic interpretation of female signals, and females have always adjusted their signals to encourage only selected males.
Despite the disapproval of 17th-century Puritans, Victorian moralists and their modern equivalents in both the 'moral majority' and 'political correctness' camps, these basic flirting instincts persist, and the human species survives.
Your approach to leave-taking after a flirtatious conversation is of critical importance, as it will determine your future relationship with your companion.
Many flirtatious encounters are of naturally short duration – where it is understood that there are no serious intentions, merely an ego-boosting acknowledgement of mutual attraction. These light-hearted 'brief encounters' are part of normal social interaction, and only the pathetic or desperate would imagine that every passing exchange of flirtatious banter is a prelude to matrimony.
Flirting would not, however, be such a universal feature of human interaction if it did not occasionally serve some more long-term purpose – such as sex, reproduction, the survival of the species, etc. While there is no harm in practising our flirting skills just for the fun of it, there will be some occasions when we wish to pursue the relationship, and a cheery, unconcerned "Bye, then" or "Nice meeting you" will not do. This is when parting words and gestures take on greater significance.
Every salesperson knows that there is little point in establishing a great rapport with potential customers, attracting their interest, gaining their trust and so on, if you fail to 'close' – 'closing' being sales-speak for actually making the sale, securing the contract, getting the customer to hand over money or sign on the dotted line. Sales staff are specifically trained in 'closing techniques' to help them achieve this all-important goal.
In the same way, if you are genuinely attracted to your flirting partner, and want to see him or her again, none of the flirting skills in this Guide will be much use unless you can 'close' effectively. In this case, your goal in 'closing' is to secure not a contract or a sale, but the chance to meet again.
At the risk of rejection, this is the moment when you must be explicit about your wishes. Subtle hints and positive body-language will help you to get to this point, and careful observation of your partner's reactions will tell you whether your 'closing' is likely to be successful, but these techniques cannot, by themselves, get you a phone number or a date! You have to ask. And the most effective strategy is simple honesty. You don't have to declare undying love, just ask: "Would you like to meet for a drink sometime next week?" (or some equivalent, the exact words are unimportant, but it must a be a clear request). If making a date on the spot would be awkward or inappropriate, say something like: "Perhaps we could meet again sometime – could I have your phone number?"
Some American 'dating manuals' recommend that you precede this request with a statement such as "I've really enjoyed talking with you and I'd like to see you again". You are welcome to do this if you wish, but it would seem to be already implicit in the request for a date or phone number, and therefore somewhat superfluous.
Every salesperson knows that there is little point in establishing a great rapport with potential customers, attracting their interest, gaining their trust and so on, if you fail to 'close' – 'closing' being sales-speak for actually making the sale, securing the contract, getting the customer to hand over money or sign on the dotted line. Sales staff are specifically trained in 'closing techniques' to help them achieve this all-important goal.
In the same way, if you are genuinely attracted to your flirting partner, and want to see him or her again, none of the flirting skills in this Guide will be much use unless you can 'close' effectively. In this case, your goal in 'closing' is to secure not a contract or a sale, but the chance to meet again.
At the risk of rejection, this is the moment when you must be explicit about your wishes. Subtle hints and positive body-language will help you to get to this point, and careful observation of your partner's reactions will tell you whether your 'closing' is likely to be successful, but these techniques cannot, by themselves, get you a phone number or a date! You have to ask. And the most effective strategy is simple honesty. You don't have to declare undying love, just ask: "Would you like to meet for a drink sometime next week?" (or some equivalent, the exact words are unimportant, but it must a be a clear request). If making a date on the spot would be awkward or inappropriate, say something like: "Perhaps we could meet again sometime – could I have your phone number?"
Some American 'dating manuals' recommend that you precede this request with a statement such as "I've really enjoyed talking with you and I'd like to see you again". You are welcome to do this if you wish, but it would seem to be already implicit in the request for a date or phone number, and therefore somewhat superfluous.
If you are female, and wish to avoid giving this impression, there is a simple solution. Instead of asking for his phone number, offer your own. Say something like: "Maybe we could have a drink sometime? – here's my number". This makes it perfectly clear that you are interested, but still requires the man to take the initiative in asking for a date.
You are of course free to dismiss this suggestion as hopelessly old-fashioned, sexist, pandering to double-standards, etc. It is not the place of this Guide to make moral judgements about flirting, merely to provide information on the latest scientific findings. Flirting has been part of human behaviour for thousands of years, and whether we approve or not, the latest findings show that not much has changed. Males have always tended towards an over-optimistic interpretation of female signals, and females have always adjusted their signals to encourage only selected males.
Despite the disapproval of 17th-century Puritans, Victorian moralists and their modern equivalents in both the 'moral majority' and 'political correctness' camps, these basic flirting instincts persist, and the human species survives.
That's the end of the Flirting Series :)
Hope you enjoyed/learned something new!
Love,
ALPHA
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Verbal Flirting - Humor
Humor
Humor is a powerful flirting tool. It is almost impossible to flirt successfully or enjoyably without it, and yet it can easily backfire if abused or misused.
On the positive side, studies have shown that people who use humour in social encounters are perceived as more likeable, and that both trust and attraction increase when a light-hearted approach is used. Judicious use of humour can reduce anxiety and establish a relaxed mood which helps a relationship to develop more rapidly. A slightly risqué joke can help to escalate the level of intimacy in a flirtatious conversation.
On the negative side, inappropriate use of humour can kill a promising flirtation stone dead in a matter of seconds. Making a risqué joke or comment too early, for example, before a reasonable degree of intimacy has been established, is the verbal equivalent of a bum-pinch. Men are generally more likely to make this kind of fatal mistake than women. Women, however, need to be even more cautious in their use of sexual humour, as men will be inclined to interpret this as a sign of sexual availability.
While it is clearly important to avoid causing offence or giving misleading signals, humor is an essential element of flirtation. Flirting is by definition a light-hearted, playful form of interaction. A flirtatious encounter may eventually lead to a 'serious', long-term relationship, but too much seriousness in the early stages is off-putting. Even in the longer term, a capacity for light-hearted playfulness is important. It is no accident that so many single people seeking partners through the personal ads include 'gsoh' (good sense of humour) in their requirements.
Humor can clearly help to reduce tension and awkwardness in the early stages of a flirtatious encounter. In the section on opening lines, we advised the use of phrases which are universally recognised as 'conversation-starters', such as comments on the weather. A touch of humor can make these openers even more effective. There is no need for elaborate attempts at wit: a simple twist such as "Lovely day, isn't it?" during a torrential downpour will raise a smile if your target finds you attractive. (If your target does not find you attractive, more elaborate efforts will be no more effective.)
Once some degree of mutual attraction has been established, the use of humor in flirtatious conversations tends to come naturally, as both parties are motivated to keep their target amused and interested. Our natural instinct is to try to make the other person smile. We need constant reassurance that we are liked and appreciated by the object of our attraction, and smiles and laughter provide that reassurance.
One particular form of humor, playful teasing, is particularly common in flirtatious encounters. This is because playful teasing allows partners to increase the 'personal' content of the exchange, while keeping the tone light-hearted and non-serious, thus escalating the level of disclosure and intimacy in a non-threatening manner. Men respond particularly well to this form of humor, as it closely resembles the 'mock-arguments' and good-humored exchanges of insults which are their normal means of expressing friendship among themselves.
The most common mistakes in flirtatious use of humor involve opposite extremes. Men are more likely to over-use humor or monopolise the joke-telling, and fail to notice that their companion is bored or frustrated. Women sometimes have a tendency to under-use humour – to adopt a serious tone when their companion would be more comfortable with light-hearted banter. There are many exceptions, of course: we've all met heavy-going men and raucous women, but most studies show that women are generally more cautious in their use of humour, while men are more inclined to avoid heart-to-heart seriousness.
If you feel you may sometimes be guilty of either excessive or inadequate use of humor, watch your companion carefully for signs of boredom or embarrassment – such as feet or body turning away from you, forced smiles, reduced eye-contact, reduced verbal attention-signals, fidgeting, defensive arm-crossing, etc. If you are overdoing the humor, these would be your cues to tone it down a bit. If you are being too serious, lighten up!
Humor is a powerful flirting tool. It is almost impossible to flirt successfully or enjoyably without it, and yet it can easily backfire if abused or misused.
On the negative side, inappropriate use of humour can kill a promising flirtation stone dead in a matter of seconds. Making a risqué joke or comment too early, for example, before a reasonable degree of intimacy has been established, is the verbal equivalent of a bum-pinch. Men are generally more likely to make this kind of fatal mistake than women. Women, however, need to be even more cautious in their use of sexual humour, as men will be inclined to interpret this as a sign of sexual availability.
While it is clearly important to avoid causing offence or giving misleading signals, humor is an essential element of flirtation. Flirting is by definition a light-hearted, playful form of interaction. A flirtatious encounter may eventually lead to a 'serious', long-term relationship, but too much seriousness in the early stages is off-putting. Even in the longer term, a capacity for light-hearted playfulness is important. It is no accident that so many single people seeking partners through the personal ads include 'gsoh' (good sense of humour) in their requirements.
Humor can clearly help to reduce tension and awkwardness in the early stages of a flirtatious encounter. In the section on opening lines, we advised the use of phrases which are universally recognised as 'conversation-starters', such as comments on the weather. A touch of humor can make these openers even more effective. There is no need for elaborate attempts at wit: a simple twist such as "Lovely day, isn't it?" during a torrential downpour will raise a smile if your target finds you attractive. (If your target does not find you attractive, more elaborate efforts will be no more effective.)
Once some degree of mutual attraction has been established, the use of humor in flirtatious conversations tends to come naturally, as both parties are motivated to keep their target amused and interested. Our natural instinct is to try to make the other person smile. We need constant reassurance that we are liked and appreciated by the object of our attraction, and smiles and laughter provide that reassurance.
One particular form of humor, playful teasing, is particularly common in flirtatious encounters. This is because playful teasing allows partners to increase the 'personal' content of the exchange, while keeping the tone light-hearted and non-serious, thus escalating the level of disclosure and intimacy in a non-threatening manner. Men respond particularly well to this form of humor, as it closely resembles the 'mock-arguments' and good-humored exchanges of insults which are their normal means of expressing friendship among themselves.The most common mistakes in flirtatious use of humor involve opposite extremes. Men are more likely to over-use humor or monopolise the joke-telling, and fail to notice that their companion is bored or frustrated. Women sometimes have a tendency to under-use humour – to adopt a serious tone when their companion would be more comfortable with light-hearted banter. There are many exceptions, of course: we've all met heavy-going men and raucous women, but most studies show that women are generally more cautious in their use of humour, while men are more inclined to avoid heart-to-heart seriousness.
If you feel you may sometimes be guilty of either excessive or inadequate use of humor, watch your companion carefully for signs of boredom or embarrassment – such as feet or body turning away from you, forced smiles, reduced eye-contact, reduced verbal attention-signals, fidgeting, defensive arm-crossing, etc. If you are overdoing the humor, these would be your cues to tone it down a bit. If you are being too serious, lighten up!
Don't miss the final wrap up of the flirting series!
Love,
ALPHA
Erogenous Zones
For Women:
For Men:
- The ears
- Nape of the neck
- The wrists
- Buttocks
- The inner thighs
- Behind the knees
- The feet
For Men:
- The forehead
- His pecks
- The lower abs
- The skin just below the testicles
- Foreskin
- The inner thighs
- Skin behind the knees
- The feet
Love,
ALPHA
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Verbal Flirting - Reciprocal Disclosure
Reciprocal Disclosure
One of the most important aspects of verbal flirting is what psychologists call 'reciprocal disclosure' – the exchange of personal information. In fact, unless partners disclose at least some personal details, the conversation can hardly be called a flirtation.
When you first meet, these details do not have to be particularly intimate: disclosure of almost any personal information, even something as innocent as the fact that one likes warm weather or Italian food, is a move towards intimacy.
If your partner discloses some such detail, you should reciprocate as soon as possible by revealing some similar information about yourself, perhaps 'raising the ante' a little by making your disclosure slightly more personal. If your partner likes you, he or she will probably try to 'match' your disclosure with one of similar value. Reciprocal disclosure of this kind is a much more subtle and less threatening route to intimacy than asking direct personal questions.
The key to successful flirtation is to escalate the level of intimacy gradually, always maintaining a balance between your disclosures and those of your partner. Avoid getting too far ahead by revealing too much, or lagging behind by revealing too little.
Women should be aware that men tend to interpret disclosure of personal information as a sign of sexual availability, and be particularly careful about how much they reveal.
One of the most important aspects of verbal flirting is what psychologists call 'reciprocal disclosure' – the exchange of personal information. In fact, unless partners disclose at least some personal details, the conversation can hardly be called a flirtation.
When you first meet, these details do not have to be particularly intimate: disclosure of almost any personal information, even something as innocent as the fact that one likes warm weather or Italian food, is a move towards intimacy.
If your partner discloses some such detail, you should reciprocate as soon as possible by revealing some similar information about yourself, perhaps 'raising the ante' a little by making your disclosure slightly more personal. If your partner likes you, he or she will probably try to 'match' your disclosure with one of similar value. Reciprocal disclosure of this kind is a much more subtle and less threatening route to intimacy than asking direct personal questions.The key to successful flirtation is to escalate the level of intimacy gradually, always maintaining a balance between your disclosures and those of your partner. Avoid getting too far ahead by revealing too much, or lagging behind by revealing too little.
Women should be aware that men tend to interpret disclosure of personal information as a sign of sexual availability, and be particularly careful about how much they reveal.
Next, the one everyone all knows about - Humor!
Love,
ALPHA
Love,
ALPHA
Monday, September 10, 2012
Verbal Flirting - Listening
Listening
Good listeners have distinct advantages in the flirting stakes, but being a good listener is not just about shutting up and letting the other person talk (although this certainly helps). Good listening is essentially about giving good 'feedback', which involves giving both verbal and non-verbal signals to show that you are a) paying attention, and b) interested.
Effective non-verbal feedback signals include nodding, smiling, responsive facial expressions and leaning forwards, accompanied by general positive body language such as 'open' posture and posture/gesture echo. Good verbal feedback signals include the use of expressions such as "mm-hmm", "yeah", "mmm", "ah" to show interest or agreement and to encourage the other person to continue.
Research has shown that these basic feedback signals are highly effective in winning friends and influencing people. They can even result in concrete, tangible rewards: studies have found, for example, that candidates who give this sort of feedback during job interviews are more likely to be successful than those who do not. Even just a few nods can significantly improve your chances, both in interviews and in flirtatious conversation.
Another effective good-listener technique is 'paraphrasing'. To show that you are paying attention and interested, and to encourage your partner to tell you more, it can help if you occasionally sum up what your partner has said, as in "…so you were stranded at the station with no money! How did you get home?" This paraphrasing will be particularly helpful if your partner seems a bit shy, insecure or anxious, as it will make him or her feel more confident.
You may have noticed that the question at the end of the 'paraphrasing' example was an 'open' question, rather than a 'closed' question requiring only a yes or no response. If you want to encourage your partner to talk, try to ask more open questions, such as "What kind of food do you like?" than closed questions such as "Do you like Chinese food?"
If you are not sure about the difference, remember that open questions begin with one of the following words: Who, What, When, Where, How, Why. Journalists and personnel managers are taught to ask questions beginning with these words in interviews, to encourage job candidates and sources to give detailed replies, but they are equally effective in informal social conversation – particularly in flirting!
Good listeners have distinct advantages in the flirting stakes, but being a good listener is not just about shutting up and letting the other person talk (although this certainly helps). Good listening is essentially about giving good 'feedback', which involves giving both verbal and non-verbal signals to show that you are a) paying attention, and b) interested.
Effective non-verbal feedback signals include nodding, smiling, responsive facial expressions and leaning forwards, accompanied by general positive body language such as 'open' posture and posture/gesture echo. Good verbal feedback signals include the use of expressions such as "mm-hmm", "yeah", "mmm", "ah" to show interest or agreement and to encourage the other person to continue.
Research has shown that these basic feedback signals are highly effective in winning friends and influencing people. They can even result in concrete, tangible rewards: studies have found, for example, that candidates who give this sort of feedback during job interviews are more likely to be successful than those who do not. Even just a few nods can significantly improve your chances, both in interviews and in flirtatious conversation.
Another effective good-listener technique is 'paraphrasing'. To show that you are paying attention and interested, and to encourage your partner to tell you more, it can help if you occasionally sum up what your partner has said, as in "…so you were stranded at the station with no money! How did you get home?" This paraphrasing will be particularly helpful if your partner seems a bit shy, insecure or anxious, as it will make him or her feel more confident.You may have noticed that the question at the end of the 'paraphrasing' example was an 'open' question, rather than a 'closed' question requiring only a yes or no response. If you want to encourage your partner to talk, try to ask more open questions, such as "What kind of food do you like?" than closed questions such as "Do you like Chinese food?"
If you are not sure about the difference, remember that open questions begin with one of the following words: Who, What, When, Where, How, Why. Journalists and personnel managers are taught to ask questions beginning with these words in interviews, to encourage job candidates and sources to give detailed replies, but they are equally effective in informal social conversation – particularly in flirting!
Just a few more tips!
Love,
ALPHA
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Verbal Flirting - Talking
This Guide clearly cannot tell you exactly what to say, what words to use, in a flirtatious conversation, but it is possible to provide some general guidelines on what you talk about, and how you express yourself, particularly in terms of mistakes and pitfalls to avoid.
Negativity, for example, is real turn-off. If you talk too much about the bad side of things, and constantly complain about the world or your own problems, your partner will soon get bored and fed up. Other characteristics that research has identified as particularly boring or off-putting include self-preoccupation (talking too much about yourself and showing too little interest in others), banality (only talking about superficial things, repeating hackneyed jokes and stories), tediousness (talking too slowly, pausing too long, taking too long to make a point), passivity (failing to take full part in the conversation or express opinions), lack of enthusiasm (talking in a monotone, not making eye-contact, expressing too little emotion), over-seriousness (using a serious tone of voice and expression, even when your partner is trying to be light-hearted or humorous) and over-excitement (easily sidetracked, engaging in too much meaningless chatter, too much slang).
Compliments, on the other hand, are almost universally welcomed, and do not have to be witty or original. In an analysis of 600 verbatim compliments, linguists found that they tend to follow a tried-and-tested formula, with the word "nice" occurring in nearly 25% of the compliments studied, and the word "you" in almost 75%. In other words, you should not be afraid of paying simple, unflowery compliments such as "That's a nice jacket" or "That colour really suits you", as they can be very effective.
Clearly, excessive use of compliments will make you seem ingratiating, and your partner may become bored with too much suffocating niceness, but of all the ways you can bore someone, studies have shown that this is the least offensive.
Males should, however, avoid paying women embarrassing or potentially offensive compliments. This is not a matter of 'political correctness', but of basic social skills. Some men need to learn that it is entirely possible to convey to a female friend or acquaintance that you find her physically attractive, without being crass or intrusive.
Timing is equally important: there are times, places and situations where any comment on a woman's appearance, however innocent, would be inappropriate and potentially offensive. It is not possible to list all these situations here, but as a rule-of-thumb, only comment on a woman's appearance a) if you know her well enough (this kind of compliment should not be used as an opening line, but only at a much later stage in flirtatious conversation) and b) at times, places and situations where appearance is relevant – i.e. where it would be acceptable to comment on a man's appearance. If the situation is not one in which you would compliment a male acquaintance on his flattering new jacket or haircut, do not comment on a female's appearance either.
(Males please note: 80% of women think that they are too fat. In one American survey, women were asked what were the three words they would most like to hear from a male partner. The most common answer was not, as expected, "I love you", but "You've lost weight". While you should not make any comment on a woman's figure unless you know her well, this compliment might please a girlfriend or close female friend.)
Talking is important...but it's equally important to listen too!
Love,
ALPHA
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Verbal Flirting - Turn Taking
Turn-Taking
Once you have initiated a conversation with your chosen target, your success in making a favourable impression will depend as much on your social skills as on what you say.
We have probably all met at least one person who is highly articulate, witty and amusing, but who loses friends and alienates people by hogging the conversation, not allowing others to get a word in. You may also have come across the equally irritating strong, silent type who makes you do all the 'work' in the conversation – who never asks a question, never expresses interest and makes no effort to keep the conversation flowing.
Once you have initiated a conversation with your chosen target, your success in making a favourable impression will depend as much on your social skills as on what you say.
We have probably all met at least one person who is highly articulate, witty and amusing, but who loses friends and alienates people by hogging the conversation, not allowing others to get a word in. You may also have come across the equally irritating strong, silent type who makes you do all the 'work' in the conversation – who never asks a question, never expresses interest and makes no effort to keep the conversation flowing.
What you have to say may be fascinating, and you may express it with great eloquence, but if you have not grasped the basic social skills involved in conversational turn-taking, you will be perceived as arrogant and unpleasant, and neither your target nor anyone else will enjoy your company.
The basic rule on how much to talk is very simple: try to make your contribution to the conversation roughly equal to that of your partner. The essence of a good conversation, and a successful flirtation, is reciprocity: give-and-take, sharing, exchange, with both parties contributing equally as talkers and as listeners.
Achieving this reciprocity requires an understanding of the etiquette of turn-taking, knowing when to take your turn, as well as when and how to 'yield the floor' to your partner. So, how do you know when it is your turn to speak? Pauses are not necessarily an infallible guide – one study found that the length of the average pause during speech was 0.807 seconds, while the average pause between speakers was shorter, only 0.764 seconds. In other words, people clearly used signals other than pauses to indicate that they had finished speaking.
In previous sections of the Guide, we have described in detail the various non-verbal signals people use to show that they have finished what they are saying, and that it is your turn to speak. These include eye-contact signals (remember that people look away more when they are speaking, so when they look back at you, this often indicates that it is your turn) and vocal signals such as rising or falling intonation, with a drop in volume. This may be accompanied by verbal 'turn-yielding' signals, such as the completion of a clause or 'tailing off' into meaningless expressions such as "you know".
As a general rule, the more of these turn-yielding cues occur simultaneously, the more likely it is that your partner has finished and expects you to speak. Watching and listening for these clues will help you to avoid interrupting, and also to avoid awkward gaps and lengthy pauses in the conversation.
The basic rule on how much to talk is very simple: try to make your contribution to the conversation roughly equal to that of your partner. The essence of a good conversation, and a successful flirtation, is reciprocity: give-and-take, sharing, exchange, with both parties contributing equally as talkers and as listeners.
Achieving this reciprocity requires an understanding of the etiquette of turn-taking, knowing when to take your turn, as well as when and how to 'yield the floor' to your partner. So, how do you know when it is your turn to speak? Pauses are not necessarily an infallible guide – one study found that the length of the average pause during speech was 0.807 seconds, while the average pause between speakers was shorter, only 0.764 seconds. In other words, people clearly used signals other than pauses to indicate that they had finished speaking.
In previous sections of the Guide, we have described in detail the various non-verbal signals people use to show that they have finished what they are saying, and that it is your turn to speak. These include eye-contact signals (remember that people look away more when they are speaking, so when they look back at you, this often indicates that it is your turn) and vocal signals such as rising or falling intonation, with a drop in volume. This may be accompanied by verbal 'turn-yielding' signals, such as the completion of a clause or 'tailing off' into meaningless expressions such as "you know".
As a general rule, the more of these turn-yielding cues occur simultaneously, the more likely it is that your partner has finished and expects you to speak. Watching and listening for these clues will help you to avoid interrupting, and also to avoid awkward gaps and lengthy pauses in the conversation.
Now for the Main event: Talking!
Love,
ALPHA
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